I haven’t written in a bit, but we’ve been keeping busy. I was in Madison for several days to be with my sister on our dad’s birthday (we baked our mom’s chocolate cake – his favorite – in his honor) and to go through some things in their house. The girls’ meanwhile, were hard at work with school – last week was their first full week of the year! – and Zoe competed in two cross-country races. And the biggest highlight: Safta came for a week-long visit.

-M

And here she is when I picked her up from her two days away. When I asked if there was anything that could make her trip better she told me, “If I had had finger blanket.* Or you.”

-M

*Finger blanket is what she sleeps with every night. We didn’t want her to bring it in case she lost it.

Avery has yet to go to overnight camp, and she’s never been away from us and Zoe at the same time – so her recent fourth grade retreat was a big deal. For three days and two nights last week, she and her classmates hiked around the Marin Headlands, learned about California plants and animals and did lots of story telling and singing around a campfire. So what did she think? Though she said she’s not ready for another overnight any time soon (it was too hard to get to sleep each night), I think it was a success.

-M

Last year Zoe threw a Halloween-themed birthday party for two of her stuffies, Shadow and Mist. She’s doing it again this year, and I had to smile when the evite below landed in my email box the other day. (Zoe may be in middle school, and terribly sophisticated with her email and computer use, but I love that at the end of the day she’s still a little girl.)

-M

Though our pumpkin patch tradition is 12 years running, we had a first last weekend: Maddie came along! And though the girls are at an age where dressing in costume on a non-Halloween day isn’t option, that’s not the case with her.

-M

One of our favorite annual traditions is to greet the fall season with a trip to the Half Moon Bay pumpkin patches. Here now, some pics from this weekend.

-M

I haven’t written much about Maddie since we first got her. Part of the reason? She has so seamlessly fit into our family that I sometimes forget we have a new dog! She’s really mellow and quiet (I can count on one hand the number of times we’ve heard her bark), and she spends much of her time curled up on one of her favorite spots: the red blanket on our couch or a pink beanbag cushion (we call it a poof) that we turned into her bed. While she certainly likes being walked, she’s fine with sitting around at home and rarely runs around with the type of nervous dog energy that requires exercise.

I had read and heard from others that adopted dogs can take a few months – or longer – to come out of their shells and show their personality. And sure enough, Maddie is different than she was when we first brought her home. She’s now more open to Q, who she was recently very timid around, and she’s more affectionate with all of us; she absolutely freaks out with happiness (think shaking, manic tail wagging, and yipping) when she sees us in the mornings or after we’ve been gone. In addition, she’s finally shown some interest in playing: She mostly ignored the toys we had for her in the beginning, but now she’ll engage in a quick tug-of-war game with one of us or even pick up her squirrel stuffie on her own.

Q half-jokingly refers to Maddie as my grief dog, and I think she definitely has helped in the grieving department. Though she’s not necessarily attuned to my sadness (she’ll never see me cry and come up to comfort me, for example), she has brought me great comfort just be sitting or lying next to me. (I can’t tell you how many naps on the couch we’ve taken together!) And, as I’ve said before, she gave a much-needed dose of joy to our house.

-M

The mellowness of summer feels long gone these days. Though we haven’t yet had a full week of school, because of Labor Day and the Jewish holidays, we’re in full-fledged school mode.

Zoe loves middle school so far, with English emerging as her favorite subject. (Her teacher has been at the school for 30 years, so it shouldn’t be a surprise that he’s good.) She’s also doing cross country and Trebles, the middle school try-out chorus; and the youth mentoring board. As excited as she is about doing activities, homework will soon ramp up – and we don’t want her to over-extend herself! (We talk a lot about that.)

Avery seems happy with fourth grade though when I just asked her for her favorite class she said, “They’re all really boring.” (That’s a typical Avery response, and I’m not quite sure I believe her.) She has the same teacher that Zoe did, and her best friend is in class with her again, so there’s a good level of comfort there. Her class this year has only 7 girls (compared to 14 boys), so we talk a lot about girl power and representing the ladies!

As for me and Q… We’re hanging in there. I have my good days and bad days, grieving wise, and I’ve tried to clear my schedule, which is busy enough with work and schlepping the girls places, of non-essentials. It’s all about self care and taking things as easy as I can these days.

-M

Speaking of Avery being funny… Check out her and bestie, Mila, hamming it up after school the other day.

-M

Thank goodness for Avery: She’s a constant source of comic relief (which is much needed these days). It’s hard to keep track of everything that comes out of her mouth, but here are a few amusing or sweet comments from the last several months.

-The girls usually help with laundry, but Avery has a particular dislike for her dad’s white t-shirts. One day she got frustrated when I said she needed to learn how to fold them correctly, and she cried out, “Why?! I don’t want to. I’ll just make my husband do it.”

-She was reading over my shoulder one day and noticed my email signature. “Ooh, you’re a director?” she asked me. “That’s high up! Good job, Mommy!” Another time I was telling the girls about how much I like speaking in public, and how I’m pretty good at it. “Ooh, you’re so confident, Mommy,” she told me. “I like it!”

-One night we were having an emotional conversation when she stopped, tilted her head and asked in a serious voice, “Do you like having bangs?” (So that’s what she was thinking when I was talking!)

-She burps aloud a lot (ugh!) and I recently scolded her. “You’re not a scientist so you don’t know – but there are acids that need to come out,” she said, before elaborating on why she had to burp. “I don’t think I should get in trouble for science.”

-One day I was worrying out loud about Maddie’s foot, which had a bump on it. After Q told me not o worry, Avery piped in: “She’s a mama bear. She can’t help it.”

-M

A belated Happy New Year from the girls. We could all use some sweetness this year…

-M

The start of middle school meant for Zoe a block schedule, a locker, and a bunch of new teachers – and an overnight retreat. For the second day of school she and her classmates headed to Mt. Cross Camp in the Santa Cruz Mountains and, as described in the school newsletter:

…The camp became a community of middle schoolers advisory team building. In their advisory groups, students designed advisory flags—which represented the individual grade-level themes based on the Brandeis community values of kindness, integrity, and service—and presented them at the evening camp fire. And, of course, what would camp be without pool hangouts, ropes courses, and games of gaga, basketball, volleyball, and boomer ball?

On the final morning before departing the retreat for Brandeis, students participated in an experiential tefillah that included meditation, singing, yoga, and discussions around mindfulness and gratitude. “The retreat sets the tone for community building and expectations around communication, trust, and kindness that we hope to deepen as the year of learning continues,” says Dr. Tarle, head of middle school. “It’s also an amazing opportunity for advisors to develop really important bonds with their students as they become the cornerstones of much of their journey in the year to come.”

-M

I love pedal boating (reminds me of being a kid), and there’s a place in the East Bay where you can do it. Last weekend we returned to the spot for the first time in five years, and this time around we brought Maddie! (In the second-to-last photo you’ll see her sitting and patiently waiting for Q and the girls to get back from their ride. She really missed them!)

-M

For the Labor Day weekend, we hopped in our car and drove south in search of some sun. We didn’t wind up finding any but instead encountered the next-best thing: a you-pick sunflower field!

-M

I don’t intend this to become a grieving blog (though believe me I have tons to say about it!). But I also want to be honest about what’s going on in our lives – and working through our loss has been a big part of the last 4+ months.

I’ll start by saying that the grieving process is different than I expected: It’s far more variable and unpredictable than I ever could have imagined. One day I feel “good” – relatively speaking – while the next I feel knocked down and in disbelief. I also sometimes struggle over looking normal, on the outside, but feeling fundamentally changed on the inside.

Since day one, I’ve been super open about my feelings and taken strength from talking with others about what I’m experiencing. The girls, though, are a bit different. During the very early, awful days they were both quiet and inward (probably still in shock), and they now say they don’t remember much from those days or the funeral. Zoe has gotten a bit more open: She benefited by talking with her amazing school counselor during the school year, and she’ll share with us when she’s feeling sad. She also has been a huge comfort to me – she’s often the first one to come over and comfort me if she sees I’m having a tough moment.

Avery, meanwhile, remains pretty inward; she doesn’t often want to talk about her sadness. But she’s said some insightful comments since the accident. Not long after, observing that I cry a lot, she said, “You know, just because a person doesn’t cry doesn’t mean they’re not grieving.” Last weekend, when I mentioned that I occasionally say things to my parents out loud, she told me that she sometimes talks to Grandma in the shower. And one day I was discussing the funeral in the car and this exchange happened:

Me (to Q): “I wish Mom had known all her Ulvestad cousins came.”
A, from the backseat: “She knows. She’s watching down on us.”
M: “You think so, Avery?”
A: “Yes, I know so. They’re both watching over us.”

-M