I love pedal boating (reminds me of being a kid), and there’s a place in the East Bay where you can do it. Last weekend we returned to the spot for the first time in five years, and this time around we brought Maddie! (In the second-to-last photo you’ll see her sitting and patiently waiting for Q and the girls to get back from their ride. She really missed them!)

-M

For the Labor Day weekend, we hopped in our car and drove south in search of some sun. We didn’t wind up finding any but instead encountered the next-best thing: a you-pick sunflower field!

-M

I don’t intend this to become a grieving blog (though believe me I have tons to say about it!). But I also want to be honest about what’s going on in our lives – and working through our loss has been a big part of the last 4+ months.

I’ll start by saying that the grieving process is different than I expected: It’s far more variable and unpredictable than I ever could have imagined. One day I feel “good” – relatively speaking – while the next I feel knocked down and in disbelief. I also sometimes struggle over looking normal, on the outside, but feeling fundamentally changed on the inside.

Since day one, I’ve been super open about my feelings and taken strength from talking with others about what I’m experiencing. The girls, though, are a bit different. During the very early, awful days they were both quiet and inward (probably still in shock), and they now say they don’t remember much from those days or the funeral. Zoe has gotten a bit more open: She benefited by talking with her amazing school counselor during the school year, and she’ll share with us when she’s feeling sad. She also has been a huge comfort to me – she’s often the first one to come over and comfort me if she sees I’m having a tough moment.

Avery, meanwhile, remains pretty inward; she doesn’t often want to talk about her sadness. But she’s said some insightful comments since the accident. Not long after, observing that I cry a lot, she said, “You know, just because a person doesn’t cry doesn’t mean they’re not grieving.” Last weekend, when I mentioned that I occasionally say things to my parents out loud, she told me that she sometimes talks to Grandma in the shower. And one day I was discussing the funeral in the car and this exchange happened:

Me (to Q): “I wish Mom had known all her Ulvestad cousins came.”
A, from the backseat: “She knows. She’s watching down on us.”
M: “You think so, Avery?”
A: “Yes, I know so. They’re both watching over us.”

-M

The last two weeks of summer break were pretty mellow for the girls. After we got back from Madison, Q and I returned to work and Zoe and Avery mostly hung out, reading, playing video games, fooling around with Maddie and doing the occasional outside activity. Avery also came to work with me one day (an annual summer tradition), and we all toasted the last day of break with fat ice cream cones at Shaw’s in West Portal (also a tradition).

-M

Summer’s officially over for us: The girls headed back to school on Tuesday!

-M

Before Zoe began kindergarten six years ago, I conducted a little interview with her – and I decided to ask the same set of questions just before she started middle school. She’ll still be at the same school (Brandeis is K-8), but she has a block schedule with lots of different teachers and electives – so it’s a whole new world!

-What do you think middle school will be like?

A lot different than elementary school. (Long pause and a laugh) I think it will be cool with all the different classes we go to and a lot of new people.

-What will you miss most about elementary school?

Having a really strong bond with the teacher, because you only have one.

-Do you think you’ll make new friends in middle school?

Yes, and I’m excited to see all the new kids that come.

-How do you think Avery will do in fourth grade?

I think Avery will really enjoy fourth grade. I think she’ll really like the teachers.

-What do you think you’ll learn in middle school?

I think I’ll learn a lot more than I did in elementary school, especially because we have a specialized teacher for each thing. What we learn are things the teachers know a lot about it. I think we’ll learn a lot of new things that we didn’t know before.

-What are you most excited to learn about?

I’m most excited to learn about new and different things in math. It’s my favorite subject.

-When you’re done at this school you’ll be 14. What do you think you’ll be like at that age?

I think I’ll be (pauses) kind of the same but a little bit different because I’ll have had different experiences.

-You’ll still be a kid at 14. What’s the best thing about being a kid?

Being able to play with other kids.

-What’s the hardest thing about being a kid?

That’s really not that much – but sometimes balancing school with friends and stuff.

-At what age do you think you’ll be a grown-up?

That depends on if you’re thinking about it logically or religiously. Religiously it’s like when you have your bar or bat mitzvah – but logically I think it’s after college, so 23 or 24.

-What do you want to be when you’re a grown-up?

I want to be a teacher.

-What do think will be the best thing about being a grown-up?

Getting to make your own decisions.

-M

We had a fun activity planned for our last full day in Madison: boating. Cousin Neill took us out on Lake Monona on Sunday, and the girls (even Avery, who originally was squeamish over the idea) even got to take a dip.

It was the perfect way to cap off our trip, and it was perfect timing, too: Just hours after we left the next day, severe flooding hit the area.

-M

Like last year my uncle hosted a family picnic on the Stevenson farm. I had been trepidatious about going this summer, for obvious reasons, but it wound up being very comforting to be with relatives at the place my mom grew up. As for the girls, they were just excited about being able to swim, ride a tractor and go four-wheeling.

-M

We had planned an August trip to Madison before my parents’ accident, so when the four (well, five, including Maddie) of us boarded the flight last week I couldn’t help but feel some sadness. To my happiness and surprise, though, there were relatively few tears on the trip; despite some hard moments (like a visit to the cemetery and the clearing out of some of their closets) we mostly enjoyed ourselves as we introduced Maddie to her namesake town and spent lots of fun time with Sandy and our cousins. Mom and Dad would be happy…

-M

Summer in San Francisco means fog – and a lot of it – and I find the swirling white clouds outside my window depressing (especially this year, as I continue to grieve). For that reason, most weekends in July and early Aug. found us out and about, in the South Bay or across the Golden Gate Bridge in Marin. And Maddie gave us another excuse to go exploring and discover new parks and dog-friendly spots – of which there are tons in the Bay Area!

M

The girls have been asking us for a dog for years. (Zoe recently told me that every time she made a wish – on birthdays, when throwing a penny in a fountain, when driving through a tunnel and holding her breath – she wished for a dog). I always said no – life is too busy, we travel too much, dogs are a lot of work, etc. etc. Until I didn’t.

We went to the SPCA one Sunday “just to look,” and several hours later we came home with a dog. The family let me name her, and Madison – Maddie for short – was a no-brainer. All we know about her is that she’s a Chihuahua mix (results of DNA test pending!), she’s about three years old, she once had a litter of puppies, and she comes from Kings County. Who were her previous owners? How did she come to find herself without a home? Was she abused? The rest is a black box.

Regardless, July 8 marks the day that she started her new life with us. From the get-to she was mellow and quiet (I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve heard her bark) and so, so sweet. She’s still a little unsure of Q, but I’m sure that will change in time.

As for what changed my mind about getting a dog… Well, we clearly needed some joy in our lives. And so far, she has delivered.

-M

The month started out pretty quiet, with highlights being the 4th of July (during which we threw on our red, white and blue and hung out at a pool with some good friends), more library volunteering (with Avery helping out, too) and an Avery-and-Mommy afternoon, where I let her skip camp and took her for lunch and a pre-4th of July pedicure. I had been having a tough few days but time with her provided the perfect dose of sunshine.

July 8 marks the date that things started getting really exciting – but stay tuned…

-M

For Avery’s ninth birthday she requested a Great America outing and a sleepover with four of her close friends. Here’s what transpired.

-M

June meant saying good-bye to another year of school (and, in Zoe’s case, saying good-bye to elementary school!) and starting camps. The girls began their break by doing a musical camp together; then they split off with Zoe doing a Python camp (proud mama alert: Her teacher called her a “natural coder”) and Avery starting her beloved sports camp. Other highlights of a pretty mellow month: picnicking in the backyard, playing amidst the trees in Golden Gate Park, and volunteering at the library.

-M

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One of my grieving books discusses what they call mystical experiences – that is, things that are not “rationally explainable.”

Since April, I’ve had several things happen that could fall under the mystical umbrella: These moments involved a book, a rainbow, and a light that was on with no logical explanation. But an encounter in Hawaii was so special – maybe explainable, but in my mind, too big to be a coincidence – that it trumps them all.

As mentioned earlier, we booked a night boat trip to see manta rays; it was a small boat so it was just us, our friends and the captain and guide. When we got to our spot in the ocean and were waiting for it to get dark, the guide – who a young, fourth-generation Hawaiian who introduced himself as “Buddha,” -  mentioned somewhat out of the blue that they do ash scattering/memorial services on the boat. They said a recent one was particularly moving and spiritual, and Buddha told us the ashes being scattered were that of a mom and dad who died together – which of course got my attention right away.

Buddha described to us how he told the adult children that Hawaiians believe the deceased’s spirits live on in the form of energy and that, while they don’t believe in incarnation per se, they do believe the deceased can come back to visit in the form of a spirit animal. He also said the circle (as in circle of life) is very symbolic and as part of the service the boat moved in a circle. After that happened and after prayers were said, he told us, a very rare type of whale suddenly popped up and circled the boat. He’s never seen this happen before, and he told the children that the whale must be his parents’ aumakua, or spirit animal.

I was crying by this point (with Zoe holding my hand), and the boat was otherwise completely quiet. I told Buddha that my parents had died six weeks ago and I felt it meant something that we were in that boat being told this story. We talked a bit more – with him saying that dead ones’ energy also serves to strengthen the family, and telling me more about the spirit animals. I told him we had seen a cardinal – which was my mom’s favorite bird and is very significant to me and my sister – on the beach just that morning, and he said “That’s your mom’s spirit animal” after noting it’s not that common to see them on the beach.

An hour or so later, I climbed off the boat in the dark feeling a sense of calm and peace, feeling – again – that I was meant to be there and to have met him. And, then, after I suggested we keep in touch and he used my phone to send himself a Facebook friend request, I looked down and saw his name and knew this all had to mean something.

His first name was Brandt.

-M